The Stars are Not Aligned

The universe has played some cruel jokes on this little planet we call Earth. Black holes roam the galaxy looking for tasty planets to suck into their horizons; the sun is preparing to fry us to a crisp during its midlife crisis; asteroids turn our galaxy into a cosmic pinball machine and parallel universes have me living a life of leisure that I'll never enjoy.

But NOW the universe has gone and done it. Due to a "wobble" in the earth's axis, the stars are not in their proper place. Life as we know it has changed forever. You didn't notice? Neither did billions of other people who were properly surprised when they suddenly found themselves devoid of a correct horoscope.

My birthday is July 5 (in case you want to send gifts) and I've been a sympathetic, intuitive and devoted Cancer since birth. Or so I thought. Turns out, I should have been displaying Gemini characteristics, which include being indecisive, flirtatious and restless. Plus, Geminis are known for their dual personalities. I don't want to be a Gemini! And neither do I!

On top of that, scientists created a NEW unpronounceable zodiac sign called Ophiuchus. Whaaaaa? It sounds like a Whoopee cushion.

In case you haven't seen the life-altering, wobbled-induced horoscope changes, take a gander and see if you need to replace all your zodiac bracelets and T-shirts.

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16 Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16

Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11 Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30

Pisces: March 11-April 18 Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23

Aries: April 18-May 13 Scorpio: Nov. 23-29

Taurus: May 13-June 21 Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17

Gemini: June 21-July 20 Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20

Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10

So what's a person to do? Well, first, let's take ourselves WAY too seriously and have this astrological change totally mess up our future. Then we can analyze it to death and find a way to tie this into the End Of Times predicted for 2012. Lastly, we can assume it's a right/left wing conspiracy and lobby the legislature to create more/less zodiac regulation.

Or. We could worry about REAL astrological things like meteors--which we all know killed the dinosaurs (except for David Hasselhoff, who seems to be meteor-proof). And trans-fats have to be some alien lifeform designed to destroy half of the U.S. population in the next three years. So there's a couple of things to lose sleep over.

At least my Chinese zodiac sign didn't change (as far as I know). I was born in the Year of the Monkey (appropriately) and described as an "erratic genius" of the zodiac cycle. I'm taking that as a compliment. Unless you say it with a smirk.

So the universe can go back to playing it's version of "Punk'd" with life on our planet. We'll continue to dodge rips in the space-time continuum, dark matter and energy, and invasion by robotic aliens with cool names.

And for guys who used the zodiac to create the worst pick-up line in the history of the world, you might want to think up something new.