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Life and Laughter

Thursday, September 02, 201010896 views

A Weighty Issue

Men and women are different. That's a fact. No room for debate. I'm not saying who's right or wrong (women are right)—we just respond to situations in our own genderish way.

Example A: Let's say a husband and wife are playing tennis and the husband is losing (terribly). His reaction? Throw the racquet and swear like a hip-hop artist on smack. Reverse the roles with the wife losing (not a chance) and what is her reaction? Sulking.

Example B: It's the weekend. What is the husband doing? Sitting in front of the TV ingesting hours of Fox Sports, ESPN and the Golf Channel like digital morphine. The wife? Shopping or sulking because her husband is a couch potato.

Example C: In the bathroom, women store approximately 45 jars of oils, ointments, gels, serums and lotions to repair, restore, rejuvenate and refresh. A man's bathroom consists of a razor and (sometimes) toilet paper.

But the biggest difference between men and women is the ability for men to lose weight.

The other day my husband asked me if the bathroom scale was accurate. I put on a sympathetic expression and replied, "Yes, unfortunately, it is." To which he replied, "Fantastic! I've lost five pounds." My response? "Well, bully for you." And then I gave him the silent treatment for the rest of the weekend.

It's just not fair. I spend six days a week torturing my body at the gym with weights, aerobic classes and cycling; I eat snap peas, grapefruit and quinoa; I've given up soda pop and salt water taffy (to some extent) and lose NO weight. But if I eat a Tic-Tac--I gain three pounds. Where's the equal rights in THAT equation?

I know a woman's metabolism is supposed to slow down after she reaches 40 but come on! We have to deal with childbirth, menstruation, hot flashes and—well, with men. Couldn't we get a break from the cosmic weight loss fairy? True, there are women who look fantastic as they age, but they are the exception (and should be sent to Pluto).

I've tried eating all carbs and no carbs; all meat and no meat; all sugar and no sugar (okay, the All Sugar Diet was actually the first 20 years of my life.) My sister is currently doing the crazy hormone diet where you ingest pregnancy hormones and eat steamed vegetables for six weeks. She's cranky.

But without even trying, my husband lost five pounds by eating garbage and watching golf on Sunday. I took up training to swim the English Channel, climb Mount Everest and ride in the Tour de France—and gained 10 pounds.

I consulted a medical expert (the Internet) for advice and discovered that most men don't eat emotionally—whereas many women have been know to eat when they're sad, upset, bored, grumpy, bloated, tired, lazy, busy, happy and/or frustrated. Basically all the time.

Additionally, men tend to gain weight in their bellies while women just gain weight wherever there's room (earlobes, ankles, eyelids, etc.). Real women struggle with fat that suddenly appears in places it's never been before. You've heard of pear-shaped women or apple-shaped bodies; well, some people are kind of shaped like fruit salad.

Maybe I should incorporate some male techniques into my weight loss plan. Men eat a lot of meat, lift uber-heavy weights and wear bathing suits without even worrying about how they look. Women pick at salads, turn down dessert (publicly) and wear layers of clothes at the pool. We're just different.

Example D: A husband reads his wife's column and congratulates himself on his fantastic weight loss plan. His wife? Resolves to stop talking to her husband until she loses 20 pounds. Could be a quiet autumn.

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